[But this isn't really about Xenk, aside from the fact that Gale wants to take care not to cross certain boundaries. That includes Astarion's— and given how greatly their perspectives differ in this area, he ought to proceed with caution.
For the best, really, that he doesn't seem quite so able to ramble now as he usually is.]
You're my friend, as well. I— wouldn't want to ruin that. [Even as he says so, he looks conflicted, disappointed. He's never been good at masking his emotions. Never much been one for trying to do so.] I suppose that does settle things.
[ there's a teasing note to it like Gale has just fessed up to something he shouldn't have, but that's mostly because Astarion is bad with feelings and is actually kind of touched to hear Gale say it so plainly. Friends...he's never really had any of those. It's nice. ]
Sex isn't going to ruin anything. But we're clearly speaking to cross purposes. Your concern is that you want something more than that.
[ it's plain to him to see, really. Sometimes the people he'd seduced for Cazador wanted sex, but a lot of them wanted more than that. They wanted emotions and kindness and someone to care about them. They'd wanted the way he said their names like it was all that mattered.
And sure, he could pretend for Gale. But it wouldn't be real. ]
I don't think I can give you what you're looking for. Not honestly, and after everything you deserve more than that.
[ His words surprise him a little as he says them. Normally he would simply argue no one deserves his honesty or anything else from him. But perhaps he had come to care for Gale more than he realized. ]
[Teasing though Astarion may be, there's a somber note in Gale's own voice— friends was not such a bad thing to be, given all they've been through, though to be 'friends' with him the way Xenk seems to...
Does he even have that in him? He's never done it before. More than that, he knows himself. Knows that jealousy might very well rear its ugly head despite his best efforts.]
I don't have the right to ask you for more than you're willing to offer.
[Astarion, too, has been through more than his fair share.]
[ Astarion agrees, but there's no bite to it. It's an acknowledgment of something important, an acknowledgment of his own freedom, but also the fact that Gale sees it too. Hidden somewhere in it is gratitude, for that fact.
What he's more unsure about is Gale's question. It does seem a shame not to get to know him better in that way. But Astarion is no man's boyfriend, and Gale is interested in a level of domesticity he can't even begin to imagine. He thinks for a moment, trying to choose his words carefully. Not to just pick the words he knows would make Gale happy, but to find some that bridge the gap between what both of them are trying to get at. ]
You have to understand that I cannot belong to one person. After everything, I think I deserve a bit of time to find myself. Even if that means finding my way into the beds of others. Giving myself up to someone entirely rather defeats the point.
[ But it's more than that. There's a deeper honesty he's not sure he wants to tell Gale, but Gale is looking at him like that, all disappointed and needy and a touch pathetic which, when all wrapped up together, is unfortunately quite compelling. ]
Look, [ the word comes out like this confession is being dragged out of him against his better judgment, with a dash of wanting to simply get this over and not have to talk about his feelings every again ] I barely know who I am. Back home, I'd only just gotten out from underneath Cazador's control, and all I could think about was revenge. It's frustrating, being taken from that goal but the longer I'm here, I have an opportunity I wouldn't have had otherwise. To learn. To grow. And I can't do that if I just fall into your arms. Tempting as they may be.
[ It's not like he's never thought about it, after all. He could've easily tried to play Gale instead of Tav. And Gale was such a hopeless romantic, it probably would have been easier. ]
All of this to say, I wouldn't mind exploring things with you, but I am not ready to commit myself to any one person. I don't know that I ever will be.
[It is a great deal to process, but for as good as Gale often is at talking, he can be just as good at listening, as well. He's patient, allowing Astarion to speak without interruption, nodding here and there when he finds himself compelled to agree with an especially important point. All of that is very true, and perhaps that means they are fundamentally mismatched— but it would be a lie to say that he hadn't considered what it might be like to kiss Astarion long before the masquerade, among other things. He may have spent time among the divine, but he himself remains only human— and had been even when he'd still possessed the greatest of his powers.
He is slow to respond, wanting to choose his words with care. He doesn't wish to make demands, or for the man in front of him to feel unheard, but somewhere in all of this, it seems there must be room for some sort of compromise. It's clear what he'll have to be willing to give; he would need to be flexible, to find a way to make peace with the fact that a potential partner wouldn't be able to be exclusive with him, but he had hardly been about to ask Astarion to move back to Waterdeep with him or some such nonsense.
There was something here to be explored, as the vampire had put it.]
I agree. You deserve to explore your freedom and use the opportunity you've been given as you see fit. I would never mean to imply otherwise, I only... [He halts, frowning slightly.] I have never been terribly good at sharing. If it were to be strictly physical, I don't know that I could convince myself. If it were more than that— just a bit, mind you— then I think I could learn, though it may take me some time, as well.
[He's not asking for the moon. Only the faintest glimmer of hope that there might be feeling involved for both parties.]
You deserve to be happy. I know that giving yourself up would swiftly lead to the opposite of that.
We're friends, as you said. Is that not "a bit" more than emotionless sex?
[ The last thing he wants to do is start talking about his feelings. Even the idea of committing to having sex with a person more than once was new to him, although it was becoming a more frequent occurrence than he ever would have expected. ]
And we certainly have more in common than most. Not just with the tadpoles. I've fought at your side. I've trusted you and your magic with my life.
[There's a halting quality to his words, heavy with consideration. It is more than he'd expected from Astarion, but not necessarily what he wants for himself— that, however, is something he knows is absolutely not on the table, not with the present company, and not something he considers himself in a place to seek out at the moment, regardless.
Astarion does have the right of it, however. 'Friends' doesn't quite seem a big enough word for what they are, interests and other feelings aside. They've been through things that no one else will ever share with them, aside from their closest companions back home, and even then, bickering and all, he and Astarion had a better rapport than most.]
I'd just want to know it meant... something. [He puts a hand up, quickly.] Not that I'm asking you to talk about that in any sort of depth. I know. But all of that... I suppose that means that it might?
[He knows Astarion doesn't care for the discussion of feelings, and he won't demand it of him, but he can't help where his own interests lie. He knows who he is.]
[ The longer this goes on, the more Astarion feels like a butterfly being pinned to a box to be put on display. He desperately wants to leave this conversation. Every fiber of his being tells him to simply run, that if he's not going to just lie and give Gale what he wants, then there is no point to staying.
He had come here to tease Gale, not to be cornered into this conversation. He plays with letter in his hand, a nervous fidgeting as he tries to convince himself to stay even through Gale's scrutiny. The more he says, the less he wants to be here.
It would be so easy to just lie and say that of course he has feelings for him and of course it would mean the world to him to have a relationship with him. It would make all of this stop, which is presently what Astarion wants more than anything.
But it wouldn't be right.
Still, even every time Tav would ask what they were to each other, Astarion would simply tell them he didn't know and it didn't matter. That what they had was fun and nice and wasn't that enough. What Gale is asking for is more than he's given even their leader. ]
I don't--[ his voice catches in frustration and he stops and tries to clear it before starting again ] I don't know. [ and then, hurriedly:] Yes, I suppose. That's why I said those things.
[ He should just go, he thinks. There's still time to simply run away. For both of their sakes. Before this gets messy. Before they get entangled. ]
Gale, I...
[ I'm out of my depth, I don't want to talk about this, it's too much, please--
The desire to lie wars with the notion of what's right and they both fight up against the flight response. It's too much. He doesn't like being good. It's far too complicated, doing the right thing. He wasn't cut out for this. ]
[He realizes he'd taken half a step too far, despite his efforts to be cautious. He watches Astarion's face, sees the discomfort in his gaze, and presses his own lips together.
Whatever spark might be between them, he thinks, it isn't worth it if it makes Astarion look at him like that. There may well be a shared interest, but even approaching it from an angle of compromise...
Perhaps what they each want— no, need— is just too different at the moment. He frowns, shaking his head.]
Perhaps it's best if this conversation is best left forgotten.
[His voice is soft; there's no malice or judgment, no hint of hurt or even jealousy.]
Our friendship has come to mean a great deal to me. As you said, we speak to cross-purposes, and I can hardly imagine this is why you came here. It is not simply about wanting different things, but not being able to offer what the other needs, regardless of what may be.
[ Astarion hums noncommittally but ultimately nods. ]
I am...
[ there's an apology on the tip of his tongue, even though he never gives them. He's not sure what it is he feels he ought to apologize for. Disappointing him? Not being what he needs? That doesn't seem right, either. ]
I didn't mean for this to end up this way.
[ But already, he's taking a step backwards. Retreating, like he's wanted to so badly. ]
[Astarion might not be able to get an apology out, and while neither of them has necessarily done anything wrong— Gale can't bring himself to hold their fundamentally different needs against either of them— he does feel regret for having contributed to his friend's discomfort.]
I didn't, either. It's— water under the bridge, yes?
[An optimistic note lifts the end of that question, though it doesn't ring as true as it usually would.]
Nothing need change. We were neither of us quite ourselves during the masquerade. We can leave it at that.
[ Astarion doesn't know why it feels like he wasn't quite understood, or like his words should have conveyed more than they did. Neither of them were quite themselves, but maybe they were more of themselves than they wanted to admit.
But there was hardly any point to pushing it now. ]
Yes— that is, you don't have to, but— I'm sure you have other things to do.
[He probably wants to leave, Gale is certain. He folds his arms across his chest, but feels more uncomfortable than anything else.
Water under the bridge. He'd like to convince himself that he believes that. Maybe, given enough time, he'll manage.
His brow is still slightly furrowed as he meets Astarion's gaze. Not upset, but... conflicted. There's more he could say, but he can't be sure it wouldn't make an even worse mess of things than he already has. At last, he settles for:]
I'm sorry.
[It's softer yet than his initial apology, his expression one that Astarion has certainly seen him wear before— but he's always been more open about his own vulnerability.]
[But perhaps that, too, is too much? He doesn't know. Feelings of any sort were a dangerous topic in present company, and he is hesitant to say the wrong thing. Is there a right thing?
Talking is supposed to be his strong point.]
At the very least— [Here, he manages to crack a faint smile.] I ought to apologize for apparently being an acquired taste, hm?
[ He's about to tell him he hasn't done anything wrong, anything worth apologizing for but then Gale makes the joke and Astarion smiles for it, at least some of the weight of this conversation eased. ]
[Good— that had been his hope. He doesn't wish for them to part ways feeling disappointed or at odds, especially given neither of them has done anything wrong.
You know, [ slyly, suggestively. It's like a reflex. ] acquired suggests one might actually learn to like it. Over time.
[ But then he realizes this is the exact thing that they've been having so much trouble with. This pointless flirting. He catches himself and shakes his head ]
[As though he doesn't do plenty of that already, affable though he may be. He's glad for the way the air between them has lightened, a vast improvement over the last several minutes.]
I'll let you be on your way, but— find me before we leave the Naughtilust. I have something for you to take back to Nogard with you; it only needs a tiny bit of tweaking before I can hand it over.
[ Astarion's expression softens with the surprise of being offered something. It's still new and novel to him, even though people here seem to like giving him gifts. ]
Ah, it's nothing too extravagant— we'd spoken shortly after my arrival about something to keep blood palatable and safely drinkable while at sea.
[Something so that he's not limited to how many rats are on board, or at least as something more robust to supplement it.]
I thought I'd try my hand at making something that would fit the bill. Efforts have been largely successful, though I haven't been able to test it extensively just yet, given that I don't... well. I have my own specific dietary needs.
[Boots, etc. He can have a sense of humor about that now.]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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[ He's more still, quieter now, like he's being more serious. He doesn't want to be misunderstood with this.
As to the rest, he shrugs and takes a step back. He'd been close to tease him a bit but he knows when to back off. ]
Then that settles that, doesn't it?
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[But this isn't really about Xenk, aside from the fact that Gale wants to take care not to cross certain boundaries. That includes Astarion's— and given how greatly their perspectives differ in this area, he ought to proceed with caution.
For the best, really, that he doesn't seem quite so able to ramble now as he usually is.]
You're my friend, as well. I— wouldn't want to ruin that. [Even as he says so, he looks conflicted, disappointed. He's never been good at masking his emotions. Never much been one for trying to do so.] I suppose that does settle things.
[But it doesn't feel settled. He frowns.]
Perhaps we're both disappointed.
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[ there's a teasing note to it like Gale has just fessed up to something he shouldn't have, but that's mostly because Astarion is bad with feelings and is actually kind of touched to hear Gale say it so plainly. Friends...he's never really had any of those. It's nice. ]
Sex isn't going to ruin anything. But we're clearly speaking to cross purposes. Your concern is that you want something more than that.
[ it's plain to him to see, really. Sometimes the people he'd seduced for Cazador wanted sex, but a lot of them wanted more than that. They wanted emotions and kindness and someone to care about them. They'd wanted the way he said their names like it was all that mattered.
And sure, he could pretend for Gale. But it wouldn't be real. ]
I don't think I can give you what you're looking for. Not honestly, and after everything you deserve more than that.
[ His words surprise him a little as he says them. Normally he would simply argue no one deserves his honesty or anything else from him. But perhaps he had come to care for Gale more than he realized. ]
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[Teasing though Astarion may be, there's a somber note in Gale's own voice— friends was not such a bad thing to be, given all they've been through, though to be 'friends' with him the way Xenk seems to...
Does he even have that in him? He's never done it before. More than that, he knows himself. Knows that jealousy might very well rear its ugly head despite his best efforts.]
I don't have the right to ask you for more than you're willing to offer.
[Astarion, too, has been through more than his fair share.]
But it does seem a terrible shame, doesn't it?
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[ Astarion agrees, but there's no bite to it. It's an acknowledgment of something important, an acknowledgment of his own freedom, but also the fact that Gale sees it too. Hidden somewhere in it is gratitude, for that fact.
What he's more unsure about is Gale's question. It does seem a shame not to get to know him better in that way. But Astarion is no man's boyfriend, and Gale is interested in a level of domesticity he can't even begin to imagine. He thinks for a moment, trying to choose his words carefully. Not to just pick the words he knows would make Gale happy, but to find some that bridge the gap between what both of them are trying to get at. ]
You have to understand that I cannot belong to one person. After everything, I think I deserve a bit of time to find myself. Even if that means finding my way into the beds of others. Giving myself up to someone entirely rather defeats the point.
[ But it's more than that. There's a deeper honesty he's not sure he wants to tell Gale, but Gale is looking at him like that, all disappointed and needy and a touch pathetic which, when all wrapped up together, is unfortunately quite compelling. ]
Look, [ the word comes out like this confession is being dragged out of him against his better judgment, with a dash of wanting to simply get this over and not have to talk about his feelings every again ] I barely know who I am. Back home, I'd only just gotten out from underneath Cazador's control, and all I could think about was revenge. It's frustrating, being taken from that goal but the longer I'm here, I have an opportunity I wouldn't have had otherwise. To learn. To grow. And I can't do that if I just fall into your arms. Tempting as they may be.
[ It's not like he's never thought about it, after all. He could've easily tried to play Gale instead of Tav. And Gale was such a hopeless romantic, it probably would have been easier. ]
All of this to say, I wouldn't mind exploring things with you, but I am not ready to commit myself to any one person. I don't know that I ever will be.
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He is slow to respond, wanting to choose his words with care. He doesn't wish to make demands, or for the man in front of him to feel unheard, but somewhere in all of this, it seems there must be room for some sort of compromise. It's clear what he'll have to be willing to give; he would need to be flexible, to find a way to make peace with the fact that a potential partner wouldn't be able to be exclusive with him, but he had hardly been about to ask Astarion to move back to Waterdeep with him or some such nonsense.
There was something here to be explored, as the vampire had put it.]
I agree. You deserve to explore your freedom and use the opportunity you've been given as you see fit. I would never mean to imply otherwise, I only... [He halts, frowning slightly.] I have never been terribly good at sharing. If it were to be strictly physical, I don't know that I could convince myself. If it were more than that— just a bit, mind you— then I think I could learn, though it may take me some time, as well.
[He's not asking for the moon. Only the faintest glimmer of hope that there might be feeling involved for both parties.]
You deserve to be happy. I know that giving yourself up would swiftly lead to the opposite of that.
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[ The last thing he wants to do is start talking about his feelings. Even the idea of committing to having sex with a person more than once was new to him, although it was becoming a more frequent occurrence than he ever would have expected. ]
And we certainly have more in common than most. Not just with the tadpoles. I've fought at your side. I've trusted you and your magic with my life.
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[There's a halting quality to his words, heavy with consideration. It is more than he'd expected from Astarion, but not necessarily what he wants for himself— that, however, is something he knows is absolutely not on the table, not with the present company, and not something he considers himself in a place to seek out at the moment, regardless.
Astarion does have the right of it, however. 'Friends' doesn't quite seem a big enough word for what they are, interests and other feelings aside. They've been through things that no one else will ever share with them, aside from their closest companions back home, and even then, bickering and all, he and Astarion had a better rapport than most.]
I'd just want to know it meant... something. [He puts a hand up, quickly.] Not that I'm asking you to talk about that in any sort of depth. I know. But all of that... I suppose that means that it might?
[He knows Astarion doesn't care for the discussion of feelings, and he won't demand it of him, but he can't help where his own interests lie. He knows who he is.]
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He had come here to tease Gale, not to be cornered into this conversation. He plays with letter in his hand, a nervous fidgeting as he tries to convince himself to stay even through Gale's scrutiny. The more he says, the less he wants to be here.
It would be so easy to just lie and say that of course he has feelings for him and of course it would mean the world to him to have a relationship with him. It would make all of this stop, which is presently what Astarion wants more than anything.
But it wouldn't be right.
Still, even every time Tav would ask what they were to each other, Astarion would simply tell them he didn't know and it didn't matter. That what they had was fun and nice and wasn't that enough. What Gale is asking for is more than he's given even their leader. ]
I don't--[ his voice catches in frustration and he stops and tries to clear it before starting again ] I don't know. [ and then, hurriedly:] Yes, I suppose. That's why I said those things.
[ He should just go, he thinks. There's still time to simply run away. For both of their sakes. Before this gets messy. Before they get entangled. ]
Gale, I...
[ I'm out of my depth, I don't want to talk about this, it's too much, please--
The desire to lie wars with the notion of what's right and they both fight up against the flight response. It's too much. He doesn't like being good. It's far too complicated, doing the right thing. He wasn't cut out for this. ]
Maybe you were right. About not ruining things.
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Whatever spark might be between them, he thinks, it isn't worth it if it makes Astarion look at him like that. There may well be a shared interest, but even approaching it from an angle of compromise...
Perhaps what they each want— no, need— is just too different at the moment. He frowns, shaking his head.]
Perhaps it's best if this conversation is best left forgotten.
[His voice is soft; there's no malice or judgment, no hint of hurt or even jealousy.]
Our friendship has come to mean a great deal to me. As you said, we speak to cross-purposes, and I can hardly imagine this is why you came here. It is not simply about wanting different things, but not being able to offer what the other needs, regardless of what may be.
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I am...
[ there's an apology on the tip of his tongue, even though he never gives them. He's not sure what it is he feels he ought to apologize for. Disappointing him? Not being what he needs? That doesn't seem right, either. ]
I didn't mean for this to end up this way.
[ But already, he's taking a step backwards. Retreating, like he's wanted to so badly. ]
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[Astarion might not be able to get an apology out, and while neither of them has necessarily done anything wrong— Gale can't bring himself to hold their fundamentally different needs against either of them— he does feel regret for having contributed to his friend's discomfort.]
I didn't, either. It's— water under the bridge, yes?
[An optimistic note lifts the end of that question, though it doesn't ring as true as it usually would.]
Nothing need change. We were neither of us quite ourselves during the masquerade. We can leave it at that.
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[ Astarion doesn't know why it feels like he wasn't quite understood, or like his words should have conveyed more than they did. Neither of them were quite themselves, but maybe they were more of themselves than they wanted to admit.
But there was hardly any point to pushing it now. ]
I should go, then. Water under the bridge.
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[He probably wants to leave, Gale is certain. He folds his arms across his chest, but feels more uncomfortable than anything else.
Water under the bridge. He'd like to convince himself that he believes that. Maybe, given enough time, he'll manage.
His brow is still slightly furrowed as he meets Astarion's gaze. Not upset, but... conflicted. There's more he could say, but he can't be sure it wouldn't make an even worse mess of things than he already has. At last, he settles for:]
I'm sorry.
[It's softer yet than his initial apology, his expression one that Astarion has certainly seen him wear before— but he's always been more open about his own vulnerability.]
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[ It was strange enough to get any apology, in the first place. But to get one from Gale, and one that was so honest was something else entirely.
He doesn't know quite what to do with this, either. ]
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[But perhaps that, too, is too much? He doesn't know. Feelings of any sort were a dangerous topic in present company, and he is hesitant to say the wrong thing. Is there a right thing?
Talking is supposed to be his strong point.]
At the very least— [Here, he manages to crack a faint smile.] I ought to apologize for apparently being an acquired taste, hm?
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"Acquired," is it?
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His smile pulls a little further to one side.]
It has a nicer ring to it than 'vile,' I think.
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[ But then he realizes this is the exact thing that they've been having so much trouble with. This pointless flirting. He catches himself and shakes his head ]
Sorry. Force of habit.
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Don't apologize. I'd hardly wish for you to stop being yourself.
[He's rather fond of Astarion just as he is, for all their bickering.]
I might begin to worry, otherwise.
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[ he can claim he doesn't care for Gale all he wants but he doesn't tease people he doesn't like ]
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[As though he doesn't do plenty of that already, affable though he may be. He's glad for the way the air between them has lightened, a vast improvement over the last several minutes.]
I'll let you be on your way, but— find me before we leave the Naughtilust. I have something for you to take back to Nogard with you; it only needs a tiny bit of tweaking before I can hand it over.
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Something for me?
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[Something so that he's not limited to how many rats are on board, or at least as something more robust to supplement it.]
I thought I'd try my hand at making something that would fit the bill. Efforts have been largely successful, though I haven't been able to test it extensively just yet, given that I don't... well. I have my own specific dietary needs.
[Boots, etc. He can have a sense of humor about that now.]
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[ that's a lot. If it really works it could be a total game changer for him. ]
That's...exceedingly kind of you. I'll find a way to repay you.
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wrapping this one up for us! 💖